Ode to Hate
by Kovukono
Summary: A lioness decides to break up with a lion. Oneshot. Happy Valentine's Day!


All characters are mine, and are free to be used by anyone. I really don't ever want to see them again, although I'd prefer to know if you're using them.

And please, consider this my happy, positive outlook on Valentine's Day.

oOo

Ode to Hate

She struggled for words. "Look, Giza . . . I really like you, I really do. I've never felt this close to someone in my life before. I want you to know that I really care about you, really. It's just . . . we've been together a long time now, and I know this isn't going to be easy for you, but I . . . I just don't love you like you love me anymore."

If my heart was sinking, it now completely let go. It splattered against the cold, hard ground it was dashed against. There was an awkward silence. It wasn't fair, I told myself. I knew that it wasn't really fair all along. I, the one who asked for so little, and yet was forced to deal constantly with her ways and ideas. Sacrificing my time and energy for her and getting so little back. Her wild, untamed shifts of emotion from being a happy, perky lioness one day to a miserable, exhausted one the next, not wanting to do anything with anyone, and wanting thoroughly to be left alone.

I should have realized that she wanted out. She hadn't spoken to me in a decent conversation for a whole week. She'd barely said a word to me as she led me here, where she'd first begun to show me some of the things two bodies were meant to do. I thought she was going through one of her phases again; I had no way of knowing that this was what had perturbed her. Yes, the thought of her breaking up with me was always lurking in the back of my mind. We'd been apart twice, coming back to each other both times. She never had been happy to break the news to me either time; she was a wonderfully gentle soul, despite her sometimes brash exterior. She'd always been like this. I never thought that it'd happen this time, though.

She was never comfortable with long breaks in conversations like this one. She began talking again. "You—may have noticed that I haven't said a lot to you lately. I've been thinking about this. I just want you to know that I haven't come to this decision lightly. I know this probably hurts you. A lot. And I'm sorry."

There was another pause, not nearly as long as the last. I knew what I needed to say. What I wanted to say. It just seemed too hard to do it, like my voice had left me. I knew that if I said it, there would be no way to take the words back. I knew, almost for certain, that I'd never get the opportunity to say them to her yet another time. Finally, I began to talk.

"I—love you. . . . Very much. . . . And I want you to be happy. I know that might not be with me, but whoever it's with, I just . . . I want you to be happy. I understand."

"I'm hoping we can still be friends," she said. "I'd hate to lose you."

I swallowed an enormous lump. "We're friends right now, aren't we?"

"Yeah."

More silence.

"You, uh, probably need to get back. I hear they're leading a hunting party tonight."

"Alright." She realized it was over. She walked off through the underbrush of the jungle. I looked at the ground. I didn't want to see her go. Yet, before she was entirely gone, I couldn't help myself. She walked away from me, not even looking back once. She just kept going. I felt awful. She couldn't have made me feel any lower.

I walked through the jungle in the opposite direction. There was a small cave a little further ahead. She'd never been here, but I practically lived here. It was my second home, whenever I no longer wanted to be with the den. She'd known the place was here, but had never bothered to come all the way up. She never would.

I walked in and flopped to the ground. I missed her so much. I didn't cry. I couldn't cry. It all fit together so neatly, so damn perfectly now that I thought back on it. She hadn't returned any of my warmth or affection for some time now. I wanted to scream for a fleeting moment. I remembered the words she'd told me. "I don't love you like you love me." There would be no fourth time with her. This was the third and final breakup. I would never have another chance. It was enough to make my eyes tear up, but nothing ran. "I don't love you like you love me." The words seemed to stick in my head like some horrible, god-awful truth that nothing could change, like an absolute law. I wanted to make it go away. I wanted to make it all go away. I couldn't. I did what I did the other times she'd broken up with me, though the others had been much more emotional for me. I simply laid my head down and slept.

oOo

I did my best to avoid and ignore her the next day. So did she. I couldn't help looking at her, and she also glanced at me. Our eyes rarely met, but when they did, they were hurriedly torn apart. I missed her. Badly. I still loved her very, very much. It had never been me who had decided to end any of our relationships. She had always decided for it. I missed her every time. I couldn't help but think that now I had to live with this forever, her not ever being there. We'd discussed what we'd do if we'd broken up before during our third time. We'd be happy for the other, support them in whatever and whoever they chose. I don't think we ever thought it'd actually happen. I didn't think it would at least. I loved her, and she loved me. But she didn't love me anymore.

I was forced to be with her at mealtimes. We'd been together so long this last time that it was assumed that we'd always be together to eat. The group that did the hunting always was the same for us, a group of close friends, and we got pretty used to eating in certain places around a kill. We were forced together, none of the others moving, content with the spots they had. From the way they talked so casually with her, I was fairly certain that she'd already told them about us. We were no longer together, and everyone knew it. She must have told everyone about it while I was gone. I hadn't seen her since that mealtime. She seemed happy when she was eating, talking to them. She smiled and laughed like she would have if she wasn't in one of her short depressions. I hated the way she threw our relationship away so casually. I felt as if she didn't know I was there the whole time. But she knew. We consciously avoided talking to each other, even looking at each other. I barely said a word that time. I'm not even sure we spoke at all. I left as soon as I was finished eating, emotionally stirred, but more than able to keep everything in.

It went on for another two days. After that I ate with someone else for the next two days. They talked to me, and I talked back. I didn't bring up Kweu. They did. They asked if we were broke up, and I said yes, we were. They asked who did it. I said we'd both decided. They asked why, and I told them that I didn't want to talk about it. They pestered me about it, of course. I made it as clear as I could that I wanted them to drop the goddamn subject. They finally did on the second day. I didn't see her at all those two days. I didn't want to. My mind was calming down, finally coming to realize, coldly and rationally, that she would never be mine again. It made it hurt more, but I began to deal with it. I didn't want to be cold and distant to her. I wanted to talk to her again. I wanted to be with her again. "I don't love you like you love me" still haunted me.

I finally went back to the group. I said hi to her. She said hi back. We carried on a conversation, both of us, with the rest of the group. I guess it was a signal to her that I was fine. I want to say that she took it as being fine. I wondered a few times if she even cared. I loved her so much. I missed her. I noticed how readily she talked with Sudi and was hurt to think that she could be moving on already. I knew that she always talked with Sudi, and reminded myself that this wasn't any more or less than normal. I missed her.

After that day I didn't talk too much at all at mealtimes. I just ate and stayed silent when I finished. I left with the rest of them, going back to my little cave a lot of the time. I spent hours in there at a time. It wasn't abnormal. I used to do it all the time. I was teased as a half-cub. Finally Mashujaa, the pride leader, put his paw down when my mother told him about it. No one really did anything after that. It might not have even been necessary after that. I was beginning to fit in a little bit. She became friends with me, and that was what really began to mark my change. She wasn't the first "mate" I had. There had been another. Her name was Malaika. I didn't realize that what I had for her wasn't love, but misplaced affection. I wanted someone to hold onto, and didn't really realize what I'd done. We finally broke up. It was me who did that one. I was sorry for leading her. I was even sorrier for telling Malaika I loved her when I finally began to court Kweu. Our first relationship wasn't all that serious, but the second one was even more so. We expressed our feelings and explored how far we dared to go toward sex. The rejection from that one was worse than the one I felt now. I loved her, passionately and completely. She didn't have a good reason at all, just that she wanted a little bit of space. I was horribly, horribly hurt. She finally came back to me, telling me that she felt like an idiot, that she still had feelings for me. What hurt most now was that I remembered how clearly she had told me that she hadn't broken up with me because she stopped loving me. Her words still haunted me. I felt I had never loved her before as when I had nuzzled her, having her so close to me. But she didn't love me anymore.

I began to think more and more about what she'd said to me. I lagged behind at a mealtime and was told by a friend, after carefully looking around to make sure no one would hear, that Kweu had been thinking about this for weeks. I didn't want to think about it. It hurt. She'd wanted to break up with me for weeks. She hadn't loved me for weeks. She'd just wanted it to all end for weeks. I felt miserable. I went back to my cave and cried. I screamed profanities and hit the walls as hard as I could, immediately grateful that no one could hear me. I knew it wouldn't bring her back. Nothing would bring her back.

I don't know exactly when I began to hate her. It was around the time that my friend had told me. Things weren't going well for me. My mother and her mate were also not getting along well. She suspected him of cheating on her, and it was entirely possible. I tried to point out to her that it wasn't likely, but it was awful just the same. My father and Mashujaa were the two of the only three adult males, and he was supposed to stay faithful to my mother. He'd cheated once before for quite some time, but I didn't know it, as I was too young to understand. But now she thought it was happening again. I had a family, unlike most of the other cubs, with a mother and father. It was straining me. There had never been a great relationship. But now the two of them were talking about splitting forever. I felt alone and lost. I blamed numerous things and became as angry as I could, hoping that my anger would be enough to wash everything away. Most of all I blamed Kweu for leaving me when I most needed her. I began to feel negatively toward her around that time, I know that. I missed her so much.

The issues with my mother and father went away. I stayed angry with them, with her, with the pride. I was never good at hiding my emotions. I became more and more hate-filled. I began to feel as I did when I was picked on. I wished death upon animals. I didn't do anything. I didn't want to do anything; I knew I would be punished for hurting others. I wanted to torture her. I wanted to make her scream with pain, and I wanted to kill her. I missed her so much. I knew I still loved her, and I hated her desperately. I told myself that this would pass, just like my brief period of anger during the other two times she broke up with me, before the anger was washed away by something acceptable. I didn't want to stop being angry this time. I didn't want to stop hating her. I loved her, I knew it, but my hatred for her grew. I never let it show to her, but I became a very angry lion.

I smiled when I talked to her, I said nice things to her, but mostly I was silent. I hated her, but never when she was right there. It was awful, when she was right there. I wanted her back, and I knew that she wanted me back. She had to. As soon as I was gone, I knew it was false. I was a romantic; I had ideas about love. How it was pure, how it never ended. I thought that one day she would come to me, and ask to be back together. I would say no. I would never feel this pain of loss again. I would always hate her. I'd tell her all this, and she'd tell me she loved me, and I'd tell her no, she couldn't possibly love me, not with what she'd said. I'd remind her that she didn't love me like I loved her. She'd just say that she loved me less. I'd declare that there were no degrees to love, that only infatuation had levels. I'd leave her forever. I'd leave her hurt and scarred and forever wounded. I wanted to hurt her for lying to me, for saying she'd loved me and sharing so much of herself with me and saying she wanted to spend the rest of her life with me.

I missed her.

I loved her.

I hated her.

I wanted her. Badly.

My feelings of hatred grew. I continued to be solitary. I did almost nothing with no one. I stayed in my cave for hours at a time. I hated her, and I wanted it to grow. I wanted despair and hopelessness. I wanted to hurt her and other animals. I began to despise her presence. It only grew more and more intense. Yet I could never do anything to her face. I snarled behind her back, I wished her dead from a safe distance, but I could do nothing.

I finally left the pride. I couldn't take it anymore. I left one day and never came back. I promised myself that I'd leave her behind forever. I'd get over her. I didn't know a thing about what life would be like out here, but I'd live out here. I wasn't going to get into another pride. I couldn't bring myself to ask to join, and I couldn't bring myself to try to kill the leader, either. I'd roam the area between prides, doing what I wished. I was four.

I met a lioness. She could have been my age from her looks, though she insisted she was twice my age, old enough to be my mother. She was stunningly beautiful. No lioness that I met before could have matched her. It was hard enough to look at her, rather than her awesome, goddess-like body. She said her name was Giza, which shocked me. I had never met anyone else with my name, let alone a lioness. I stayed with her for a while that day, all the time wanting something from her. We grew immensely close in that one day, closer than I would have thought possible in that short period of time. She dropped hints that night, not all of which I got, but several of which I did. I had sex for my first time. It was wonderful. Immediately I thought of how many times I'd thought of sharing this with Kweu. I pushed the thought out of my head as quickly as possible. I performed shamefully, but Giza was understanding. She guided me a little. I left her a few days later, before she was awake, unable to stay with her. Memories of Kweu continued to intrude on my mind. I wasn't as much of an amateur at sex when I left. I liked what I'd done with her, simply loved it. As soon as I left, though, my anger began to return. My hate for Kweu slowly resurfaced, and it became all I could think about again.

I met another lioness. Her name was Kilana. She wasn't nearly as pretty as Giza. She seemed to be permanently happy, though. I coaxed her into making love to me. I made many, many less mistakes than I had with Giza. She was obviously new, just as I was. I didn't care, I did it anyway. I wanted the act, so much that it was almost a need. I couldn't help wondering if Kweu would be so much fun, so much laugh, when she made love. I left Kilana after a few nights.

I realized after that what was going to have to happen. There was no other choice. My feelings for Kweu, all of them, came back as I left Kilana. I lusted for her, wanted to share my discovery with her, desired to dash her filthy, lying face against the ground and murder her, and desperately wished to nuzzle her and have her close, telling me how much she loved me, me telling her how much I loved her back. There was no escape from this. There only seemed to be one thing that could stop these thoughts, one thing that could make them go away. There was no other choice. I searched desperately.

I met Jibu. She was kind, but fairly demanding, asking for things such as gentle massages and food before she would consent to anything. She was excellent, quite experienced. She showed me things I'd never seen before, made me feel as I never had. Never as Kweu had.

I met Daima. She was young, younger than I was. I had sex passionately, unrestrainedly. I thought I might have scared her. I tried to treat her kindly, gently, assuredly. I wanted her to be Kweu.

I met Ashki. _She_ scared _me_. She was a wild beast, one which nearly killed me as I tried stay with her. This kind of love was exhilarating and welcome. But it was the kind that would never, never be Kweu.

I met Brisa. I was eager to lose myself in her, she wasn't eager to have me do it. Her refusal angered me, but I did nothing rash. She finally consented to me, and it was wonderful. The act wasn't excellent by any standards, but there was a wonderful bond between us that was developing. Kweu came inevitably to mind, so gentle and tender as Brisa when she wanted to be. I stayed, despite the mounting feeling of betrayal, not wanting to lose what Brisa had sprung in me. Finally it became too much. I left Brisa. I went back to where she had been a few days later. She had wanted me, I finally knew. She had committed suicide.

I met Rhina. She was a leopardess. We copulated hesitantly at first, then with wild and glorious passion, neither of us holding back anything. She had recently lost her mate. She was as eager to lose herself in me as I was in her. We went until we could no more, and as soon as we were ready we started again. I felt it was wrong finally. Wrong to her mate and wrong to Kweu. Neither would be happy with what we were doing. I told her and we had sex again, with more energy than I thought possible. We left each other after that.

I met Ojan. It was my first and last homosexual affair. I was hesitant, yet curious. I decided to experiment. It was very different. I left after only a short while, knowing it wasn't right. It was meant to be a lioness. It was meant to be Kweu.

I met Giza. She was older, and she still didn't look it. I showed her what I had learned. Her compliments seemed like the highest praise. I still wished they had come from Kweu, remembering how loving she was to me, how her praise seemed even higher than this. I told Giza about Kweu, and that I still had feelings for her. She left me.

I met Zeya. She was timid, shy. She wasn't ready for a relationship like I wanted, and said so outright. I had been without a lioness for too long in my mind. I raped her for her refusal. It was done cruelly. I left after only once. Kweu would be ashamed.

I met Dala. She was the most beautiful lioness I had ever made love to, or ever would. I was hesitant to do it, Zeya being still fresh in my mind. It didn't hold me back forever; I made love to her, and it was love as I had never made. She had skill to match her beauty, along with a tongue to go with it, in every sense of the manner. Despite the heavenly bliss I found in her, her sharp tongue was abhorrent to me, constantly demeaning me for her pleasure. I left, even more ashamed than I had come. I wanted Kweu's gentle embrace and assurance that all would be fine.

I met Eusi. She was stunningly beautiful, but not quite as much as Dala. She was gentle, kind, and lustful exactly when I wanted. I felt as if I complemented her emotions as perfectly as she did mine. I couldn't stay. Her harmony with me was too much. I wanted Kweu's way of butting heads with me, her brash, characteristic delight in my occasional pain.

I met Lyona.

I met Kivuli.

I met Busa.

I met Rhunu.

I met Jana.

I met so many lionesses I could have met all of them in the world.

I was never satisfied with any of them. I began to think that something was seriously wrong with me. What other lion was forced to live as I did? Who cared what species, what other _animal_ lived as I did? I had sex with so many lionesses I lost track, most likely made so many cubs that there were enough to make several prides all on their own. For years it went on. I couldn't stand it. I was miserable, I was angry, and my hate for her had never been stronger. I knew that if I saw her, I'd kill her. I might have been insane, I might have been cascading into utter madness and was attempting to put off the inevitable for just one more attempt at getting it right. All I know is that I was wrong without her. I wanted her so badly. I missed her so much. I wanted to kill her.

I met Kweu.

It was obvious to me who she was as soon as I saw her. Her face, her eyes, had haunted my dreams and nightmares for too long for me to not recognize her. I didn't know if she would recognize me. I didn't know if she could. I had been through a dozen fights, my body had changed in a dozen ways. But she saw me. She knew me. She came to me in disbelief. "Is that really you, Giza?" she asked.

"Yes," I whispered.

She laughed. "I haven't seen you in forever. Where did you go?"

"I don't know," I said quietly. "Away."

"Well, obviously. But what have you been doing all this time?"

It was an excellent question. I stared down at my forepaws. Finally I said to her, "Trying to forget."

"Forget what?"

"That we ever happened."

"'We?'" she asked, confused for a moment. Then she said, "You mean—but Giza, we were barely adults."

"I love you," I whispered. "I love you so damn much and I just want to forget you're even alive!" I screamed.

"Giza, I don't understand—"

"You've haunted me for the past five years of my _life_, Kweu! I just want you to disappear and take all my feelings for you with you! I don't want to love you anymore, I don't want to see your goddamn lying face _again!_"

"What are you talking about? I didn't lie to you, I told you how I felt!"

"You told me you didn't love me! That you just wanted to be friends! I couldn't stand living with you like that! I ran as far away as I could but I still saw your face every damn day! I just want you to go away! I can't have you, and I never will, so get the hell out of my life!"

"Giza, if you just told me—"

"Would it have made any difference?!"

"We could have talked—"

"I wanted _you!_ I didn't want to talk through my feelings, I wanted them! I still want you! I still love you! And I can't stop hating you!"

"How can you love someone who's been gone half your life?"

"Because you've driven me to it! You've made me completely insane, Kweu! I've been with lioness after lioness, trying to start a new life with all of them, but I have _never_ made love to a single one!"

She was silent.

"Just—just go away! Go away and never exist and I'll pretend I never saw you here!"

"Giza, you're not right."

"No, I'm not!"

"I'm sorry if I've caused you any trouble—"

"You can't be! Not after what you've done to me!" I felt the earth tremble beneath my feet. I was consumed by utter rage.

"Giza—"

I don't know what happened. The earth shook and was ripped apart. Dirt and dust were thrown into the air. Trees were uprooted. Call it fate, call it coincidence, call it whatever you'd like. I was hit by a falling tree. It slammed into my hind legs as it bounced, then ceased to trouble me. My legs were broken irreparably. Kweu was pelted with earth. Both of us choked with the dust. The tremor died down after a few fear-filled moments. I screamed out with the pain I felt. I clawed desperately away, no knowing where I expected to go. I felt wet on my body and knew it was blood. The tree had broken something important. I felt weaker, fainter. I saw Kweu before me. She caressed my face gently.

"It's going to be okay," she whispered. "I'm sorry. I'm here now. I'll love you forever."

I reached up to touch her and found she wasn't there. A pleasant, near-death hallucination. I turned my head, trying to find Kweu. She had struggled out of her rubble pile and was running away as fast and far as she could. I closed my eyes for the last time.

_I hate you_.


End file.
